Ask Dr. Lotes

2009-08-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

If you like old people and computers and robots and YouTube videos, this is right up your alley. If not, stay away.

2008-10-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

I just came across this video on you tube:

Click here to view.

2008-08-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

Greetings Lotesfans,

The good people at KP Press were nice enough to feature me and my short story, Affinity. Please check it out and read it.

http://kppressbooks.com/featuredwork.htm

It'll only be up for a couple of weeks.

2008-06-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hey, take a look at a short story I wrote for this great literary magazine. Shoot me some feedback, if you wish. I've got numerous mailings the past couple of weeks. Don't get restless, they will be answered in the order they were received.

The Drunken Cowboy
by John Michaels Santora

http://www.sprymag.com/

2008-02-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

Hey kiddies,

Sorry I haven’t weighed in for some time, but I’ve been insanely preoccupied with Call of Duty 4 on the Xbox 360. Those of you who’ve played it understand what it can do to you. Those of you who haven't played, well just enjoy my latest entry and feel free to jostle my most intimate of parts. Dr. Lotes has sent notice that he has some gems on the way. Your questions will be addressed in the order they were recieved.

Call of Duty 4. Got it.

The election is coming and it will soon be time for us to participate in Democracy, which was invented by guys who powdered their faces and wore strange wigs. My recent visit to "video game land" has left me feeling detached from the outside world and misinformed. So, what’s the best way to plug in and get some smarts? The newspaper.

I first turned to the New York Post (aka Fox on paper), but its front pages boasted pictures of Britney and other people I don’t care about. The New York Times had more words and fewer pictures, which means that smart people read it.

The Times just ran an article, titled “Focus of Detainee Trial Is Likely to Suit Bush”, about the 9/11 conspirators held at Guantanamo Bay. They’re being charged with the death penalty.

President Bush hasn’t hinted that he will back down from one of the most controversial decisions of his reign as our cartoon-esque figure head. “In an election year, that appears to be exactly where Mr. Bush wants the focus to be.” Maybe this issue will create a divide between voters and give simple minded citizens, such as myself, something to stand behind before pulling the lever in November.

The method of execution has yet to be determined. Recently, the military has used lethal injection. Anybody who is unfamiliar with the death penalty might want to check out the 1992, made for TV movie, Live! From Death Row, starring Bruce Davison, whom you may know from the X-Men movies and Harry and the Hendersons, the sitcom.

Davison gazes into the eyes of a young boy, as Harry looks on.

The Times reports that among the men being charged is the self proclaimed 9/11 mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. Other prisoners, unnamed in the article, are Shaidsa Moofasa, Madofoo Haufmanzata, Scooby Dooby Doo, Piuhf Kiresloppqwzxc, Michael Richards, and Ji-=)98*- 651^%$.

The article states that the Bush administration has “unfinished business” and will “sprint to the finish”. President Bush said, “…we’ve gone on the offense against these extremists. We’re staying on the offense and we will not relent until we bring them to justice.”

The Republicans responded.

“I wish they had as coherent a strategy for fighting the war on terror as they do for politicizing the war on terror.”

Skee-Lo has his own wishes:

I wish I was little bit taller

I wish I was a baller

I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her

I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a six four Impala

Some, like Human Rights lawyer Jennifer Daskal, believe that the trial of these men will bring focus to the cruelty of our government’s interrogation techniques. General Michael V. Hayden, the director of the Central Intelligence Agency, watched his legs and came clean about means in which information has been drawn from Jihadists. They used various methods, like waterboarding.

I myself am confused of how this would be effective. As a young child my father pulled us on his boat for hours on end and it was the most fun, as a straight man, I’ve ever had on my knees. Perhaps, this is an example of a cultural divide, one that, as a nation, we must embrace if we wish to survive and interbreed.

Me, as a youth, waterboarding with my father at the wheel. You can see me using the proper hand signals.

2008-01-30T12:03:00.000-08:00

I just went and saw Rambo. I wrote an article about it for MindFeck, a jokey website. Please check out the site, read my article, and enjoy:

http://www.mindfeck.info/rambo-4-reaction

2008-01-28T15:42:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to inform you that I've put up some of my artwork. You can scope it out here yo yo:

www.santora-art.blogspot.com

2008-01-22T11:33:00.001-08:00

DEAR DR. LOTES: I have had this problem for years (since 1989 actually)...and only recently, I've addressed it publicly. I am addicted to the late 80's SNK video game classic "Baseball Stars". That damned 8-bit monster truly has a stronghold on me. Day and night, I embark on my quest to defeat the American Dreams, the Ninja Blacksox, and the World Powers (these are the 3 most potent and feared lineups in the league).

When I am not playing the game, I am thinking about playing the game. When I am sleeping, I am haunted by visions of Solly blasting yet another game-winning round tripper, or of Albert, the rookie, rounding second base for yet another jaw-dropping triple. Sometimes I wake up in cold sweats after I dream that Zeus, the inconsistant yet powerful pinch hitter, is taunting me endlessly with his evil laughter. Doc, it gets even worse. I fear that I am unable to separate the game from real life.

I secretly have a strong desire to be the most feared southpaw in all of Baseball Stars........the great Nappy. This athlete has such a tricky delivery, and he throws with a wicked side arm release and...well, I guess you just wouldn't understand. Is my addiction normal? What can I do to escape? -- SLEEPLESS IN SNK STADIUM

DEAR SLEEPLESS IN SNK:
Upon receiving your email I had never heard of Baseball Stars. I do not own a Nintendo, so I did the next best thing and downloaded an emulator called Nesticle onto my PC. I also came across a website that lets you play your Nintendo favorites online: http://www.everyvideogame.com/.

Before long, Baseball Stars had its hooks into me. I can understand what you love about this twenty year old relic. The game play and music, two crucial elements of a video game, were years ahead of its time. Each player is unique and their luck and prestige levels determine if and when they will come through in the clutch. This gives each character a personality and may cause a video gamer to feel some kind of attachment towards them.

I too took a liking to the World Powers' crafty southpaw reliever Nappy. His submarine/ sidearm delivery reminds me of the late, great relief pitcher, Dan Quisenberry.

Dan Quisenberry career stats:

Win-Loss

56-46

ERA

2.76

Saves

244

All-Star

1982-84

That being said, it is very possible you have a psychological addiction to video games. Forty four percent of video gamers are men between the ages of 18 and 45, so it’s not an uncommon for guys to be gamers. If thoughts of this activity persist while you are at work, eating, or banging out, you may have a problem. If you suffer from withdrawal of any kind, you may want to consult a help group. If you are picking the Ninja Blacksox over poonanny, you need to stop. But first I challenge you to a best out of three tournament, shotgun World Powers. Bitch.

An 80's family, sporting textbook 8o's haircuts, enjoying 8-bit Nintendo.

2008-01-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

I recently asked a friend, who's read a thing or two in his day, to read my blog and tell me what he thought. He said,

"You're pretending to be a forty six year old, self-help doctor so you can make fun of people's problems and share your feelings on things. You're waiting for somebody to read your reflections on some Hugh Jackman movie… what have you… and be like, 'Oh this is great.'"

I told him that Dr. Lotes was some absurd notion my friends and I dreamt up when we were sixteen, after that guy came to school to talk to us about testicular cancer. I'd forgotten about him for years and years.

One day I was watching Dr. Phil on Opera, don't ask me why because I don't have a legitimate excuse, and I started laughing. I thought it would be hilarious if I could invade Dr. Phil, via "Being John Malcovich" or "Innerspace", and take him over for a day. Dr. Lotes was resurrected, reimagined, if you will. Last week I was horribly late to work because I lost my left shoe. I think it would add some symmetry to the world if a person, who can't manage his own loafers, could give absurd advice to people.

"What does Lotes mean?" he asked.

Lotes is slang for balls. Don’t ask me why, I don't have the time and I've painted myself boorish enough as it is.

"So you are essentially calling yourself Dr. Balls," he said as our dialog continued.

I'm a lazy person and I had already imagined the persona Harold Lotes. The hard work was out of the way, but I guess I'll give it another shot. I'll mow it around for the next couple of weeks. I'll let you know if I come up with anything, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. There's just something about how the word Lotes rolls off your tongue. Go ahead and try it… really do it… see I told you.

2008-01-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

I hope everybody enjoys the pictures I recently added to my blog. It would’ve been impossible, if not for our friends at Google Images. Everything under the sun is just a click away. Go ahead and type the first thing that comes to your mind. You’ll be amazed at what you'll find. Here are some random things I searched:

-man on fire

-robot monkey

-hit in the nuts

-old people

-balls to the wall

I'll keep plugging away. Let me know if you find anything good.

2008-01-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

DEAR DR. LOTES: I recently took my girlfriend to the movies. She insisted on seeing Juno, but I convinced her to see I am Legend instead. I thought the trailers looked great, but halfway through the movie I was ready to leave. What movies should I see this year? -- GARY

DEAR GARY: Thanks for writing in. 2008 will be a great year for movies, here are three flicks and the skinny on all the people invloved.

1. Be Kind Rewind

Starring-
Jack Black, Mos Def

Plot-
Two guys remake some modern movie classics, using residents of their town as cast members.

Written and Directed by-
Michael Gondry

Other stuff Gondry has done:

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind-
A highly stylized, visually stunning tale of a couple that undergoes a medical procedure to erase each other from their memories. 9 out of 10 Lotes' stars and a recipient of the Lotes' seal of approval.

Important Jack Black movies:

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny-
The band Tenacious D goes on a humorous adventure where Jack eats mushrooms and they challenge the devil to rock combat, keep in mind Guitar Hero wasn't popular yet. 8 out of 10 Lotes' stars. If you play music, this is a must see.

Airborne-
Jack appears in this 90's teen classic, but it is penalized valuable Lotes' stars for Seth Green being amongst the cast. 8 -3 point Seth Green penalty= 5 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy-
Jack has a brief, but incredible, cameo in this film as a biker who boots a dog off a bridge. 9.5 out of 10 Lotes' stars and a recipient of the Lotes' seal of approval.

High Fidelity-
Jack plays a music nerd. There is an excellent dream sequence in this movie where Jack and John Cusack's character and some other guy smash Tim Robbins with an air conditioner. 8 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

King Kong-
Mediocre remake of a movie classic. Jack acts pretty well in front of the green screen, but delivers one of the worst final lines in recent memory. There's an excellent Naomi Watts nip shot, which helps. 6 out of 10 Lotes stars.

Important Mos Def movies:

16 Blocks-
Mos Def plays a witness on the run. Bruce Willis is a veteran cop who is trying to protect him. I'm sure the days of preparation Bruce put into this role were grueling. 7 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

Monster's Ball-
Halle Berry is naked. Nuff said. 8 out of 10 Lotes stars.

2. The Dark Knight

Starring-
Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman

Plot-
Batman Begins trades Katie Holmes and Rutger Hauer for Heath Ledger and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I know what you're asking, "Who are Maggie Gyllenhaal and Rutger Hauer?" To answer your question, nobody.

Written and Directed by-
Christopher Nolan

Other stuff Nolan has done:

Memento-
Guy Pearce plays a man with no memory in search of his wife's killer. 9 out of 10 Lotes stars and a recipient of the Lotes' seal of approval.

Insomnia-
In this movie Hillary Swank doesn't pretend to have a penis, Robin Williams has no beard, and Al Pacino can't fall asleep. Meanwhile, that is exactly what I did. 6.8 out of 10 Lotes stars.

Important Christian Bale movies:

American Psycho-
Christian Bale lives the 1980's dream; he makes lots of money, does a bunch of blow, listens to Genesis, has sex with prostitutes and drops chainsaws on them. 8.5 out of 10 Lotes stars.

Batman Begins-
Mr. Bale answers the prayers of millions of Batman fans after watching George Clooney in the shameful Batman and Robin. 9 out of 10 and a recipient of the Lotes' seal of approval.

Shaft-
Christian does some work playing a prick and Samuel L. Jackson plays a badass. Sounds good on paper, but plays out terribly on screen. 3 out of 10 Lotes' stars and a recipient of the Lotes' seal of shame.

Important Heath Ledger movies:

Lords of Dogtown-
Heath shows us the he is the best B+ Val Kilmer in all of show business. 7.9 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

10 Things I Hate About You-
A mildly entertaining teen favorite, but it kind of reminds one of Can't Hardly Wait, which features Seth Green. It is unfairly penalized Lotes' stars for reminding me of Seth Green. 7.5 -3 point Seth Green penalty= 4.5 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

Monster's Ball-
Halle's boobies. 8 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

Important Morgan Freeman movies:

Million Dollar Baby-
He plays Clint Eastwood's buddy and shows off his flawless narrating chops. Hillary Swank acts like a man again, but manages to suck you in and sets you up for a highly emotional ending. 8.5 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

Se7en-
A rookie cop and his partner chase a killer who inflicts the seven deadly sins on his victims. Not to kill the ending, but Gwyneth's head winds up in a box. Brad Pitt is pretty cool in this movie, but Morgan is super cool, uber even. 8.8 out of 10 Lotes stars.

The Shawshank Redemption-
Awesome flick. Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman are prison buddies. Tim Robbins gets out and Morgan shows us, again, he's the dean of narration. 9.5 out of 10 Lotes' starts and a recipient of the Lotes' seal of approval.

3. Rambo

Plot-
Stallone goes back to the well one more time. If this movie is half as good as the trailer we're in for a bloodbath and a hell of a good time.

Starring-
Sylvester Stallone

Written and Directed by-
Sylvester Stallone

Other stuff Stallone has done:

Rocky-
Stallone watched Chuck Wepner get his faced caved in by Muhammad Ali. He decided to write a screenplay and he struck gold. 8.5 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

Rocky III-
Now on steroids, Stallone battles Mr. T and Hulk Hogan. He prepares for these fights by running on the beach, wearing some amazingly high shorts. 8.1 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

Rocky V-
Rocky is retired, washed up, and broke. He takes an up and coming boxer under his wing and ignores the fact that his son's ears are pierced. 1.5 out of 10 Lotes' stars and a recipient of the Lotes' seal of shame.

First Blood-
John Rambo manages to endure the Vietnam War, then takes out his fat aggression on a small town's crooked sheriff. 8.4 out of 10 Lotes' stars.

Gary, I hope this will help you aviod future failures at the movies.

2008-01-09T10:25:00.001-08:00

DEAR DR. LOTES: I admire your work and I have read your autobiography, "Lotes on Lotes" several times. While watching a football game recently I realized that perhaps professional athletes do not have enough incentive to win since they all make so much money either way. I was wondering do you think that the losing team should have to carry the winning team piggy back style off the field after each contest. This would go for any professional sport not just football. I feel this would give added pleasure to the winners and extra shame to the losers. What are you feeling? -- EDWARD

DEAR EDWARD: The mere fact that you are even mentioning “Lotes on Lotes”, never mind reading it more than once, puts you in the minority. Released in the late 1980’s by Side Alley Publishing, “Lotes on Lotes” was met with mixed reviews by literary critics. Before the book could build any steam, Side Alley’s owner and director, Missy Madison, was implicated in the infamous John DeLorean drug bust. Her assets were frozen and all unsold copies of my book were seized. They’re probably in a federal storage locker someplace.

As for your take on football, I agree with you. It seems that what drives athletes today has transformed from what it once was in year’s past. Free agency has sent contracts spiraling out of control and endorsement deals act as consolation for those who fail to win. The athlete is no longer a typical person playing for his or her city, but a celebrity seeking super human status. It seems that the athlete of today will chase this at the cost of the integrity of their sport and even their own health. I was unfortunate enough to catch the tail-end of Roger Clemens’ interview over the weekend.

After watching his steroid riddled, pumpkin head wince and twitch under the spotlight, I came to a realization. It’s not Roger Clemens’ fault he cheated and took performance enhancing drugs. It’s ours. For not holding baseball, or all professional sports, to the same standards we did everything else or for now, years and years after the fact, pretending that we didn’t know or we suddenly care. Anybody with half a brain isn’t shocked to learn that athletes are on drugs. Bitching and complaining about it now would be like me taking a crap on my carpet, letting it sit there for a couple of weeks, and then getting angry for having to clean it up. I miss the days when I could turn on my radio and television and watch sports news without hearing about steroids and HGH. It’s no longer news worthy. All news casters have to say is, “Today in baseball news, the shit shoveling fiasco continues…” and then they should move on. You’re on poop patrol baseball. You did it to yourself. Suck it up.

Should the winning team be carried out by the losers? Yes across the board, in all forms of competition, except in Sumo Wrestling. Maybe, in this case, the loser could drive the winner in a tractor or fork lift. Now that’s entertainment.

2008-01-09T10:15:00.001-08:00

DEAR DR. LOTES: Happy New Year! Did you make any New Year's resolutions? I promised myself that I would stop watching so much television and read a book. I am a big fan! Keep up the good work! If you would like to Instant Message me my screen name is- Lotesfan69. Thanks! -- FUTURE BOOK WORM.

DEAR FUTURE WORM: Happy New Year. In past years, all of my resolutions have gone unfulfilled. I have always looked at them as the first step towards a destructive path. While living with the Bushmen I became addicted to a wild nut, native to their country. I would eat it day and night and night and day. I made it my resolution to stop eating them. After being nut free for a week or so, I drank some ground wine with a buddy and went on a gluttonous nut eating frenzy. In my drunken stupor I selected a batch riddled with poison sumac. To this day my stomach lining still suffers from that folly.

As a rule of thumb I usually make a handful of resolutions and I shoot low. Here's what I decreed as the ball dropped:

1. Clip my toenails.
2. Write an angry letter to the creators of the TV show "Numbers". (I mean come on now! Who the hell are they kidding with that shit?)
3. Memorize my checking account number
4. Clean the massive grave of insects that has mysteriously accumulated in the windowsill in my office.
5. Catch up with season one of OZ, on demand. (It is one of those shows where you’re like, “It’s not that good, but it ain’t that bad.”)

I’m glad that you wish to better yourself. The first step to self realization is the development of the mind and, let me tell you, television melts it down. I myself watch it religiously, but I’ve spent lifetimes away from the western world's gadgetry. Recently, I purchased books on tape, which I listen to during naps, meditation, and while in the tanning bed. I wish I could tell you that your resolution will stick, but I can't. Most likely, like me, you will falter. I advise you buy an unlimited blockbuster pass and save yourself the disappointment of defeat.

2007-12-19T12:25:00.000-08:00

DEAR DR. LOTES: I see that we have similar tastes in books and film. Anaconda 2 is one of my favorite movies. I am a young female who resides in Illinois. Are you single? How do you feel about dating younger women? -- EAGERLY WAITING YOUR RESPONSE.

DEAR MISS EAGER: I’m glad you celebrate the Anaconda series as emphatically as I do. I have strong feelings about movies featuring snakes. Here are my top five snake movies:

5. Snake Island
4. Anaconda
3. Snakes on a Plane
2. Snake Tales
1. Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

You’d be happy to know, the third installment of the Anaconda series is being released within the next year. Unfortunately, David Hasselhoff, of Knight Rider and Baywatch fame, is the male lead. I do not share the same enthusiasm for Mr. Hasselhoff, as I do for snakes. I will still watch with hopes that his character is injured or eaten in some way.

As for my marital status; what is your definition of single? When you say you are young, how young are we talking about?

2007-12-18T12:07:00.000-08:00

DEAR DR. LOTES: I am a father of three and I’ve been happily married for thirteen years. My wife is a stay at home mom. I manage a candy factory and work long hours that vary from month to month. My wife has developed a friendship with another stay at home parent, who happens to be a man. Our children have become good friends and my wife has developed a connection with this man.

Their friendship has created tension in our marriage and I fear if I forbid them from seeing each other, it will only bring them closer together.

Should I be uncomfortable about my wife's new pal? -- IRATE WITH A BELLY FULL OF SWEETS

DEAR IRATE BELLY: There’s nothing wrong with feeling uneasy about your wife spending time with another man. My oldest brother, Larry, once told me, "Harold, you can only trust a woman as far as you can throw her." So I ask you, how big is your wife? Is she overweight? Chunky? Big boned? Does her stomach look like the bottom of an oversized sack of potatoes?

I personally wouldn't be concerned about this other man. His wife is the breadwinner and he’s most likely feeble minded and weak. I'm sure if push came to shove, you could defeat him in physical combat, but that's not what's important. Get to know this man better. This way you can assess if he poses a threat. Be like a dog and mark your territory. I'm not saying you should urinate in the corner of your TV room or on your wife, unless you guys are into that kind of thing. If so, keep that crap to yourself. That's disgusting.